let's go home
can i put my bag down here?
hi friends (-: i’m having a hard time enjoying my spring break in boston but i’m trying to remember the gratitude & slowness i felt when i was here back in january! it’s been difficult to choose what i should write to u this week, but i’ve decided on this:
i am at a point in my life where i call many places home. my parents’ house is home & my apartment is home & chris’ is home too. it feels both sad & lucky to know so many places, to go to them when the night creeps in. to sleep in different beds & to wake up in them each morning. to know where the forks are in chris’ parents’ kitchen but to forget my new zip code when i write my address. to wear slippers in my apartment yet roam my parents’ house barefoot. i find myself drifting from room to room & learning where the sunlight sits. each space with its own quirks & me, determined to learn them.
i feel scared of the word ‘home.’ i feel guilty for not knowing where mine is. part of me wants to believe that anywhere can be home, that i can be satisfied with a nomadic existence. but i find myself laughing with chris on some outing & it slips out then — “should we… go home after this?” & the proof is there, in the pause before saying it. what i am asking is many questions masquerading themselves as one. what i am asking is “can i say this? is this it? can i put my bag down here?” what i am wishing for is “let’s go home.” what i am wishing for is “yes.”
these thoughts brought me back to what i wrote this past summer, as i geared up to leave california again & return to my bustling east coast life — dreams of steadiness & peace. the satisfaction & simplicity of just one precious, unwavering life. a life that watches the fall turn to winter & the winter turn to spring. a full life that observes full years in a place. in other words, a home.
short & sweet the summer was a mid-day nap amidst the gentle afternoon before your mom calls us down to eat it is so healing to rouse this way. while the sun still dances across your sheets my heart sinks as i wonder if i will ever settle in a true way: through each season of a place with no thought to flee. forgetful of this goodbye feeling this constant summer fling.
i am very excited for spring! today, i basked out in the sun for a bit & felt whole again, for the briefest of moments. (-: my song rec for today is the minari soundtrack :D this music makes me feel so reflective & nostalgic for early 2021 — we were so fearful & brave in taking on the end of the world. & now, here we are, welcoming in another spring. <3 i love u please have a great week :D